The Art of Miscommunication

Being a good communicator is not everyone’s cup of tea; being a really bad communicator is an Art. It requires special skill in saying and doing exactly the kind of thing that would tick someone off or make them cry. So how do you become the perfect Miscommunicator?

Firstly it requires practice and a complete lack of patience. You can start by learning the steps below.

 1) Learn to Never Listen:  This is the very CORE of being a good miscommunicator. Listening comprises of 80% of your communication, so if you want to better your skills as a miscommunicator then—Learn NOT to listen! You can do this by ignoring the emotion in the voice of the speaker, avoiding eye contact, not giving listener feedback, speaking over the other person or better still never allowing the other person to talk and finally being so preoccupied with your own thoughts that you don’t even know when someone is talking to you.

2)  Pick the right Body Language: Try this out– point you finger at a persons face and say ‘What are you doing?’  Did you like the reaction you got? Ok, now you can try a few other things, like, if you are a guy hold on to a girl’s hand longer than 5 seconds when you shake it, stand with your hands folded and shoulders hunched when you don’t like a person, learn to roll your eyes in a condescending way when you don’t like someone’s ideas, shrug your shoulders or slouch, thump tables, gesticulate wildly and most importantly NEVER EVER EVER smile at ANYONE.

3) Never mind your Paralanguage: Ah a nice fancy word here ‘Paralanguage’ it is nothing but the tone of our voice, our pitch and the speed at which we talk. The best way to bring out the very worst in a person is to talk really LOUD and really fast, with a really high pitch (women seem to achieve the high pitch better than men, but don’t worry guys, you can still aim for one). If this is too strenuous on you, then you can switch to low, grumpy / snappy with short bursts of irritability.

4) Speak your mind: This is the easiest bit and my personal favourite because I love doing it all the time. To get best results start by learning to not thinking before you talk. If you think you may not speak, so don’t THINK just TALK. It helps if you use a lot of negative words like– Never, Can’t, Have to, Must, and the best one– a capital NO. Sprinkle in a good dose of – What rubbish, Nonsense, Stupid, poor show, not happening, very bad, and yeah whatever!

5) Defy Logic: So you want to be a miscommunicator, learn how to start from nowhere and end up else-where, go around in circles, refuse to come to the point, it would be better if you had no point at all, jump to conclusions (look at listening skills for this), all things do not have to have a particular reason behind it, think as abstract as possible (see why I call it an art) and use words that you and the people around you would not be able to understand without looking up the dictionary. In short try to make life harder for those around.

So I think these five points should give you a good head start. If you need more advice you can always ask me or wait till I think of more things to write part two.